BREAKING: For several days now, from mysterious origins two or three thousand metres in the sky, it’s been literally raining cats and dogs in Vancouver, BC.
On every block of every street, thousands of drenched, collarless and confused kitties and pooches – of all breeds, shapes, and sizes – can be seen wandering around aimlessly, socializing with one another and foraging for food.
Many roads and sidewalks have become so carpeted with animals that vehicles and pedestrians have had to take detours. Fortunately, despite falling from great heights, the furry visitors have sustained minimal injuries, so no broken bones or other serious mishaps have been reported.
And they seem to be having quite the party: “There’s been a whole lot of barking, meowing, chasing, tail wagging and bum sniffing going on up and down my street,” complains local resident, Bubba Roy. “It’s been so noisy, I sometimes have to cover my ears when I’m outside. But the animals all seem pretty happy, and they’re not afraid of humans.”
Not unexpectedly, the animals are also doing what comes naturally: “It’s been pretty hilarious, all of the fornication goin’ on,” laughs Roy. “Dogs, cats, they’re all doin’ it… it’s like a regular pet-triple-X out there! People aren’t even bothering to look the other way anymore. At any time, I can step on to my front porch and see at least ten couples just givin’ er! But I guess you can’t blame ‘em for just doing their thing.”
Efforts to break up the widespread, open-air copulation have proven highly ineffective: “At first people would try and use their garden hoses to spray the animals apart, but they couldn’t keep up with all of the action, so everybody’s just kind of given up,” Roy continues. “It’s a little embarrassing for the parents with young kids, I think, but those boys and girls are gonna have to learn about the birds and bees one way or another. Fortunately, there hasn’t been much fightin’ over the ladies – just a buncha growlin’ and barin’ teeth is all.”
And then there’s another problem: all of that excrement. “I’ve got my sanitation crews working 12-hour shifts, and we just can’t keep up”, laments Rod Templeton, Vancouver’s Director of Sanitation. “On the worst streets, we’ve had to call in the fire department to hook up to the hydrants and hose everything down. That does a pretty good job, actually. But with only so many fire crews across the city, they’re pretty stretched as well.”
Fortunately the dark, mysterious, pet-laden rain clouds have had two inexplicable silver linings.
The first is that nobody has been injured by falling animals, because the cats and dogs are actually arriving in the form of large raindrops. When one bounces off the ground, it instantly changes into anything from a two-pound Tabby kitten to a two-hundred-pound English Bull Mastiff.
“It’s been really crazy,” says Roy, “because you’ll be out walking or driving, and all of a sudden a puppy will appear outta nowhere, right in front of you. The adults are kind of freaked out, but them kids just love it. And it’s a good thing the rain’s been comin’ in squalls, because amazingly, none of them friendly critters has been run over.”
The second silver lining is that the chaos, although widespread, has been remarkably short-lived. Much to the relief of local animal-rescue organizations, after a few minutes the cats and dogs spontaneously disappear as rapidly as when they fell to earth.
“Dunno how it happens,” marvels Roy. “One minute you’re looking at a cute little kitty, and then the next thing you know she’ll just disappear, right in front of your eyes! Quick! Did you see that German Shepherd over there? Poof! Gone! Can’t believe it. Haven’t had a drink for twenty-two years, and I’m still seeing stuff like this.”
And sure enough, right before your correspondent’s eyes, within about two minutes several dozen animals vanished like soap bubbles bursting in a playground.
“Good riddance! They’ve sure messed up the place and made one hell of a racket,” says Roy. “Glad they’re not sticking around ‘cuz otherwise, how on earth would we feed and house ‘em all?”
So although the situation seems to be righting itself, stunned Vancouverites – who up to this point thought “raining cats and dogs” was just a figure of speech – are hoping that furry creatures won’t ever fall from the sky again anytime soon. And they’re guarding themselves against other weather events; local radio stations have started warning people to stay indoors during “pineapple express” rainstorms (which frequently arrive from Hawaii at this time of year) lest they risk being struck by flying fruit.
Asked how this event could have happened, a local meteorologist said she’s completely baffled. But Mr. Roy has a theory: “Betcha them Russians sent ‘em over. Or maybe it was Zuckerberg, or that Kim Jong-Un.”
Stay tuned for further developments.